Clapping After Arrival

Hello clapping after arrival. Hello arrival. Hello not giving a shit about seat belt signs

in or out of a plane, and wanting to always get the bag out first,

while the hostess hollers from the other end of the aisle, sir, please,

sir close, sir fasten,

but sir turning so

exceptionally

deaf.

Hello baggage claim and walking out to meet my mother. Hello summer blue sky healthy and detached. Hello cab driver honking and I, ignoring, and him, honking and stubbornly slowing down, and I walking on and stubbornly chatting. 

Hello honkinghonkinghonking. Hello traffic jams, Christmas lights, oh wait those are traffic lights. Hello not giving a hoot about those either. Hello idiots throwing crushed empty beer cans out the car window.  Hello smoking. 

Hello lunatic driving.  Hello lunatic road structures and bridges and exits. Hello inhaling exhaust fumes in long dark tunnels.  Hello speed and impatience and unsafe families.

Hello old dirty public buses.  Hello no bus stops around.

Hello breath-taking shades of green and blue during the day.  Hello glittering lights in the nightly distance.  Hello large statue of the Virgin Mary blessing this all at once.

Hello gorgeous stone houses and grandmothers dressed in black.  Hello Turkish coffee a million times a day.

Hello large gold crosses hanging against hairy chests and serious tattoos of Kalashnikovs carved across a teenager’s neck.

Hello lingerie billboards and lingerie billboards and more lingerie what? billboards.

Hello weddings and random late night plans and staying up way too late.  Hello trusting someone or something out there is watching over you.

Hello knefeh.  Hello long shouldered mountains and skinny winding roads to get there.  Hello almost heart attack or nervous breakdown to get to the very top.  Hello hazy green green summits.

Hello beach.

Hello old universities and over-sweetened Nescafe and broken down cab drivers who suddenly decide to park on the side that’s not really a side but a whole road lane and people behind him cussing and puffing and sticking their heads out the window because there’s no such thing as patience.  Or courtesy.

Or losing hope of renewal.

Hello foreign tourists who are just locals who know nothing about the way this whole thing works.

THE SCIENCE OF PLAYBOY

Made ya look!

Yep, that's science and technology for you, a terribly interesting subject! you couldn't wait to come over here and read all about it eyyy?

I just thought I'd share this moment with your eyes. Came across it this morning while doing my usual snooping for news, and voila!  right under "The Latest from Science and Technology," poor Hef was dumped (by his 22 year old fiance) at the alter!  He must be devastated and inconsolable, the poor old old old man. 

Did I mention he's old? 

And the 22 year old, what was she thinking?  She had "a change of heart" they write in the news. That's beyond.. I don't know what that's beyond.. but it's beyond something... very very funny.  And very very confusing.

After laughing long and hard about this for so many reasons, I HAVE to mention the following though:

Ready?

Ok.

"Hef, has championed sexual freedom and civil rights, published stories challenging McCarthyism and the Vietnam War, and backed gay causes and the legalization of marijuana." (LA Reuters)

hmmm......gotta give the old man some credit I guess(?) 

yep yep.

Oh, and the lunar eclipse that happened last night, yah, that was fundamental too. 

Suddenly Cont'd

1-  the place is far too messed up to fix,

2-   defend?

4-  this won't be written in paragraphs or complete sentences that necessarily make sense or have a point

5-  so what, it's my blog, and 

6-  there are over 48,000 "likes" for the group "beiruting.com" on FB

6.5-  a website about beirut's nightlife/clubbing/eating scene (w jeen)

7- /they/we/you couldn't get 10,000 people to join an anti-confessionalism rally the other day(s) however many times /they/we/you tried

7.25-  or did /they/we/you?

7.5-  he's just not that into you! is the brutal message

8-  i think she needs to keep trying though. he obviously doesn't know what's good for him, right?

9-  "Water is something you cannot hold.  Like men.  I have tried.  Father, brother, lover, true friends, hungry ghosts and God, one by one all took themselves out of my hands."

-from Diving: Introduction to the Anthropology of Water by Anna Carson.

10-  like country. or homeland. or national. identity.

11-  recently sickened the most by the Dabke skit/flash mob at the Duty Free of Lebanon's Airport

11.5-  yes,

12-   far too much time has been wasted on. the fixing stuff.  the tv won't shut up.  it is physically incapable.  too many men in suits.  where are the women

13-  getting botox-ed

13.5- or dancing in flash mobs

14-  no wonder the nightlife is supremely active.  how else can /they/we/you cope?

15-  leave the suicide to the foreign domestic helpers

16-  .

Lebanon Would be Better: with Less Salt and Pepper (wink wink)

A couple of months back, a couple of boys (almost 20 yrs old, well they ARE young!) Karim Badra and Sherif Maktabi, decided upon a project where they tried to "make Lebanon better in the best way they can."

I came across this SUPER FANTASTIC idea of theirs in a couple of blogs I've been reading here's one and here's another,  and then I read about it in the Daily Star.

The dudes, bless their young hearts, decided they would make a sort of "huge suggestion box for Lebanon" which wasn't really a box at all but a spray painted line saying "Lebanon would be better" on a wall in Ras Beirut, under which they wrote “Lebanon would be better if I” in black spray paint 25 times and added below each heading an equal number of black lines, leaving a cup full of chalk near the wall.

Of course, any one passing by would be curious to write what he or she thinks is the way to improve Lebanon in his or her opinion.  How else can we arrive late everywhere?  But at least this time it's for a good cause, right?


Lebanon is known for its many varied and contradictory opinions.  We all know that, and somehow we seem to find that a lovable trait.  If only it didn't lead to wars, displacement, corruption, elitist attitudes, ethnocentric mentalities, dogmatic souls, and things of the sort.

Anyway.  Some people decided to take the initiative and remove the "I" from the "if I" and suggest a way Lebanon could be better.  Some took it seriously, and some didn't, and some came a couple of days later and scribbled all over the suggestions like the immature pissing dogs that they are.  Excuse my Arabic.

So to make a long and sad story, short and hopefully resuscitated, I would suggest that we start our own little wall over here.

Shoo?

Yalla?

O kay.

Tfaddalo.

I will etfaddal awwal shee, and suggest my 2 cents.  or dirhams, or liras, or whatever.
In my humble thirty-two-year-old opinion, I believe Lebanon would be better if I politicians AND the PEOPLE (i.e. the public) actually understood the meaning of public service.

Shoo ya3ne? eh shoo ya3ne??

ya3ne, service OF the people.  Not the other way around like we've had it happening for generations. And all for personal benefits and re-"elections" of the same darn faces.  Politicians thinking the world owes them something!  "za3eem" oo kaza.  It's nauseating.

(Perhaps Camel milk will help?)

Abu el Khel (Gibran Khalil Gibran) said it about a zillion years ago, I'm not trying to invent the wheel, he said in the New Frontier  Are you a politician asking what your country can do for you or a zealous one asking what you can do for your country? If you are the first, then you are a parasite; if the second, then you are an oasis in a desert, and JFK took the credit for it of course, but being the Gibran-mentioned parasite seems appealing to most if not all of the Lebanese suits out there.

Sigh...

So what does yourself think?  And please refrain from mentioning unicorns, fairies, getting laid, more asians, burning Lebanon down and starting over.. These have all been said, so let's try to be a little original, and mature. Not in that sense buddy.  Mature, as in the opposite of immature. 

And this post is not written in chalk, so no one can erase or scribble over it. Ha!

(come to think of it, having unicorns wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.  Phallic symbolism aside, they're said to signify grace and healing.)

We could certainly do with a pinch of that.

Angry Elephants and Camel Milk

Ok so she wasn't banned after all. The hoohah was over nothing and Lady Gaga, who I guarantee was never affected by the charade to begin with, is back, long and strong. And blonde.

Ah my dear Lebanon, you scattered, clueless piece of land.

Meanwhile "wild elephants trample one person to death in a three-hour rampage in the southern Indian city of Mysore."

And I, at home, noisily sip on my filtered coffee, with camel milk and honey.  yes. You heard right. About the milk I mean.  Apparently it's the thing to do in Dubai.

No?

Well then it SHOULD be the thing to do in Dubai. It is much lower in fat compared to cow's milk, high in natural vitamin C (5 X higher than cow's milk), high in potassium, it reduces cholesterol, boosts over all immunity, natural pro-biotic, and positive effect on Diabetes 2, and apparently good for impotence.  Like scary good.

Bet you didn't know that. 

And no you won't find camel milk in the organic store, the dude there kind of gave me a funny look when I asked.  You'll find it in Spinneys.

Spinneys should pay me for this ad. As should the dudes who sell the Camel milk brand, Camelicious,
(v. creative name huh?)

and so should Lady Gaga gddamit.

Don't be a drag, or Lebanese

I'm not getting what the big deal is really.  What's all this hoohah about Lady Gaga's new single "Judas"??


(check out the Judas clip here)

Lebanon, all holier than thou, decides to ban it on the radio or sell it in stores.   Because apparently the brilliant Sabah-lookalike is offending Jesus. She's banned "for being offensive to Christianity."

Ummm... how exactly is what I would like to know.  So she's in love with Judas.  The guy she's in love with is called Judas, so what?  It could've been Ali, John or Maximilian.  Ok, so his name isn't exactly Judas and she IS referring to the biblical J, but have the Lebanese "authorities" read the whole song lyrics?  If they have they would realize what the chick was hollering about.  She's simply admitting that she's attracted to liars and traitors, or anything sinful, because it happens to be very attractively sexy for some unfair reason, but ultimately Jesus is her virtue.  She literally says that, "Jesus is my virtue," like she's apologizing to JC for her sinful relationship with the other J.

What's wrong with that?  Also have they not seen the track "Alejandro?"  The video I mean.  All crosses and leather and S & M?  Is that cool with the "authorities?"  I, for one, really don't mind, but I find it hysterical that they've waited for a song like "Judas" to go nuts over.  

FUUUUUUURTHERMORE, has anyone paid attention to her "Born This Way" track?  It's all about rejoicing in yourself, and accepting your body and the way you are, and that  phrase "I'm beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes."  Yah, and she reiterates the capital H-I-M.  Guess who that is?!

Nothing?  No bells ringing in the churches of righteousness? If anything, the dudes who DON'T believe in God and the afterlife should be up in arms about Gaga's consistent biblical references.  They should be like, enough already sister, we get it, you're truly and quintessentially a nun, but you choose to dress up as a prostitute (or as a meat wearing weirdo).  We GET IT.  And we still love you.

PLUS, she even refers to Lebanon in the track! Finally! A celebrity who knows there are countries in the world that exceed the US, France or Italy (the cliche of New York, Paris, Milan). She says "Whether you're broke or evergreen/ you're black, white, beige, chola descent/ You're Lebanese, you're orient"  etcetera etcetera etcetera.   We must send her big sweaty hugs from across the shores!

Lebanon, my dearest home, is a feisty old place and she takes her time to come around.  I don't think the track is really the issue, I think Lebanon, forgive me please, is just a bit uncomfortable with the idea that there is in fact a blonde

who is not in fact dumb.