Head, Shoulders, Knees and Totes

I'm stuck in Beirut with a tissue box up my nose. Up my left nostril to be exact.  Not a whole tissue box but it might as well be.  I'm not supposed to be here.  I'm supposed to be back where my "real" life takes place.  This, here, is a figment.  Of someone else' real life.

Not mine, no.  I don't even get the red, white and green idea anymore.  I remember in fourth grade we were told, during Art class, that the white represented the snow that falls upon the majestic mountains of Lebanon, the red signifies the blood of the martyrs sprayed upon the white, and the green, oh the green was none other than the magnificent cedar tree of course.  Which usually lived high up on the mountains, and FOR WHICH the blood of the "martyrs" was spilled.

I look around me later, yes it's been a while since fourth grade, so many years later I look around me and find that the whole damn thing was pointless. The mountains are quickly becoming barren, there's hardly any snow in winter, there are a couple of cedars left, and the blood continues.

But I'm stuck here with a tissue box up my nostril because I'm ill and I shouldn't fly.  You know who else is ill?  Every single body.

Yes.  Everyone.  I don't want to complain about the people who live here, how rude, or obnoxious, or corrupt they are.  Minus my friends and loved ones of course. That's getting old.  I'll just complain about our parents.  Yes, our parents if I may.

May I?

I don't get them.  I've been sitting around with a few pairs of parents lately, you see, I didn't have much to do but sit around and listen to adults talk about, well, here it comes: politics.  That's what happens when you're sick and stuck at home.  You also drink a lot of caffeine and then take panadol night (cold and flu) and sleep the hell out of it all.

So anyway, parents.  Those awesome individuals who gave so much of their time, energy, finances and youth to raise us ungrateful personalities.  We won't get into that right now.  The point is, they've given up so much so that we follow (or lead) a better life path, right?  Yet!  Yet, they sit around and follow up on so and so's annual memorial for the millionth year, and watch it on television, and talk about it, and stick their heads out the balcony so as not to miss a single tear drop.  They pick out the faces they recognize in the crowds gathered to give their "condolences," they check out the tailleur and the hair do, the daughter and the son.  And they give excuses for the offspring who is/are unable to take over the leadership.  The poor thing is still young.  The poor thing lived outside all his life, he doesn't know better.  The poor thing is not as involved in politics as was his father.

The poor thing is soooo not a poor thing, first of all, is what I want to say.  Second of all, if the "poor" thing can't handle it, get out.  and frankly the "poor" thing doesn't need to be around to take over anything to begin with.  There are other individuals in the nation.

Nation?  Who said anything about a nation?

So when everyone is done crying over spilled milk, and I laugh a little, everyone looks at me very very disapprovingly.  So you're with the other party huh? Their expressions are hard and accusing.

umm, no?  I'm not with anybody.

A brief moment of relief arrives before they find something else to scratch at.  So why aren't you with them? You just want to oppose!

umm, no?  I'm just not impressed with the lack of initiative, I say.  I say the dead guy might have had a good idea for about five minutes but he's been dead for so long I can't even remember, over 20 years! and since then, what has anyone done for the nation?

That n-word again.

Oh a lot, a lot.  We wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. We would be extinct.

Like the species that we are.  Extinct.  And I think about all the other things that are extinct because of people like them in power.

Many parents don't see that so many are living abroad because of what's extinct, because of people like those still in power.  I want to complain about the parents who still don't see it.  Who get offended if we crack a joke about Catholics and pedophilia.  How dare you say all Catholics are pedophiles?!

umm,  I didn't!

And what the eff is up with those Longchamp totes?  Seriously what is up!  EVERYWHERE.  You can't be Lebanese without one it seems. It's hysterical!   And very very VERY boring.  If you're reading this, and your Longchamp is snuggled by your side, well I guess I should apologize a little.

But really?

And just like the Longchamp totes spreading like a virus, making everyone sick with imitation, and dis-originality, our parents are sick with their own distorted memory of what happened in the last 30 years, hanging on to what's widely (i.e. neighborly and socially)  acceptable, and "in."

They can't seem to find a better bag.  They just don't want to find another brand.

Beirut vs Dubai (or the country vs the other country)

Leb 1- You must not write a text message or bbm while driving, unless you are, in a way, wanting to commit quick suicide

Dubai 1- You most certainly CAN write a whole essay while driving, especially if you're on the right-ish lane and there's no police mister in sight

Leb 2- You must not talk about religion, sex and/or politics with a bunch of people who disagree with you

Leb 2.5- unless you're ready to be very angry, or to make someone very angry, and you must bear the consequence of either

Dubai 2- You must not talk about religion, sex and/or politics with a bunch of people. Full stop.

Dubai 2.5- unless your bag is packed and at the door.

Leb 3- You must not smoke while on AUB campus grounds

Dubai 3- You must not smoke while on AUB campus grounds, because there are no AUB campus grounds.

Dubai 3.5- and yes, this whole point was unnecessary to mention.

Leb 4- Picture this: the designated parking space is empty next to the CAFE, you can choose any spot, but NO, there's a bored man called the valet who simply MUST take your car and park it himself

Leb 4.5- and make you wait till you get your keys back when you want to leave, and then you pay for all this unnecessary situation.

Dubai 4- You find a space, you park, you pay at the machine.

Dubai 4.5- unless you're fancy, then you give the keys away because you can't be bothered, and you CHOOSE to do so.

Leb 5- You must NOT watch a TV CHANNEL that doesn't politically appeal to those in the same room, regardless of the program.  Even if it's something stupid and unfunny and unpolitical like the program "LOL."

Dubai 5- If you're Lebanese, point Leb 5 applies here too.

Leb 6- You must NOT believe that Lebanon is NOT a healthy society. You have the poor and the not so poor, and the rich, and the disgustingly rich, and somehow you're supposed to think that this is real and healthy because you naively believe that you're "exposed" to all of these. 

Dubai 6- You must NOT believe that the UAE is NOT a bubble society.  You have the poor and the not so poor, and the rich, and the disgustingly rich, and somehow you're supposed to think that this is bubble-like because you are not "exposed" to all of these. 

Dubai 6.5- if you simply look around you a little, trust me, you will be very "exposed." And very heart-broken.

Leb 6.25- I guess what I'm trying to say is that Lebanon is THE bubble society and on so many levels. 

Leb 6.5- Because once there's an old WOMAN who could be anyone's grandmother or old aunt found on the streets begging for money, then there is something very very very unhealthy, and very very very unacceptable, going on.

Leb 6.75- And if that's not a bubble society, then I don't know what is.

WTF

"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another."- Jonathan Swift

So there's a law already being drafted by activists and awesome people alike in Lebanon, to protect women from domestic violence but it's still under discussion in parliamentary debates.  I find that hilarious.  That it's still being debabted I mean.  What I don't find hilarious is the heavy offense some are taking over this law.  Specifically Dar el Fatwa.  Read more details here, the Daily Star article.

(Notice how no one decided to comment on the article in the DS.)   At least when I read it.

Motran George Khodr, bless his heart, wrote an article a couple of days ago, in Annahar, criticizing how Lebanon shall soon become a country divided between two parties in conflict, not based on political fronts or confessionalism as we know it, but on those who are WITH progressive domestic and social attitudes and those who are against them.  The former group is, thankfully, made up of all religious sects. Amen to that.

Now I'm no religious freak by any means, and feel a bit awkward discussing this, for the sole purpose of not wanting to offend any "body."  But when I read the article in the DS all courtesy went to the dogs. 

What's unbelievable is that some think that implementing the law would "break the family" or that it's "too western."  TOO WESTERN?!!  How is crying against beating a woman up too WESTERN?  

(In the U.S., the Violence Against Women Act was brought forth as part of the Crime Bill of 1994. Well, they took their time to get there now didn't they!)

What ticks me off even more about this MAJOR issue, is a Lebanese series I began watching (please don't tell anyone)- last night was episode one- called el hob el adeem (old love).  The girl left her husband because apparently he used to beat the crap out of her, out of love of course, and jealousy of course, because he "loved" her so much, and she still "loves" him, and can't forget him but is willing to marry another guy who is actually wonderful to her and not nearly as psychotic, but she can't tell her ex-crazy-husband because the guys are cousins and best friends, NEVERTHELESS, she can't get her ex-husband out of her mind, and he can't either.  Because- and here it comes- they LOVE each other. 

How does that work? Where love is accompanied by violence and humiliation and possessiveness and distrust and misogyny?

What makes me nauseous is not that I actually sat there and shared the plot with you guys, but that the notion of love is being used so loosly and so ignorantly, that we, the Lebanese overly-exposed-to-violence-in-and-out-of-the-home viewer, are supposed to somehow identify or be sympathetic towards the woman who still "loves" her ex-husband.   Hence, the name of the stupid show, el hob el adeem (old love).  Excuse me while I throw up a little.

honestly, wtf.

Clapping After Arrival

Hello clapping after arrival. Hello arrival. Hello not giving a shit about seat belt signs

in or out of a plane, and wanting to always get the bag out first,

while the hostess hollers from the other end of the aisle, sir, please,

sir close, sir fasten,

but sir turning so

exceptionally

deaf.

Hello baggage claim and walking out to meet my mother. Hello summer blue sky healthy and detached. Hello cab driver honking and I, ignoring, and him, honking and stubbornly slowing down, and I walking on and stubbornly chatting. 

Hello honkinghonkinghonking. Hello traffic jams, Christmas lights, oh wait those are traffic lights. Hello not giving a hoot about those either. Hello idiots throwing crushed empty beer cans out the car window.  Hello smoking. 

Hello lunatic driving.  Hello lunatic road structures and bridges and exits. Hello inhaling exhaust fumes in long dark tunnels.  Hello speed and impatience and unsafe families.

Hello old dirty public buses.  Hello no bus stops around.

Hello breath-taking shades of green and blue during the day.  Hello glittering lights in the nightly distance.  Hello large statue of the Virgin Mary blessing this all at once.

Hello gorgeous stone houses and grandmothers dressed in black.  Hello Turkish coffee a million times a day.

Hello large gold crosses hanging against hairy chests and serious tattoos of Kalashnikovs carved across a teenager’s neck.

Hello lingerie billboards and lingerie billboards and more lingerie what? billboards.

Hello weddings and random late night plans and staying up way too late.  Hello trusting someone or something out there is watching over you.

Hello knefeh.  Hello long shouldered mountains and skinny winding roads to get there.  Hello almost heart attack or nervous breakdown to get to the very top.  Hello hazy green green summits.

Hello beach.

Hello old universities and over-sweetened Nescafe and broken down cab drivers who suddenly decide to park on the side that’s not really a side but a whole road lane and people behind him cussing and puffing and sticking their heads out the window because there’s no such thing as patience.  Or courtesy.

Or losing hope of renewal.

Hello foreign tourists who are just locals who know nothing about the way this whole thing works.

Suddenly Cont'd

1-  the place is far too messed up to fix,

2-   defend?

4-  this won't be written in paragraphs or complete sentences that necessarily make sense or have a point

5-  so what, it's my blog, and 

6-  there are over 48,000 "likes" for the group "beiruting.com" on FB

6.5-  a website about beirut's nightlife/clubbing/eating scene (w jeen)

7- /they/we/you couldn't get 10,000 people to join an anti-confessionalism rally the other day(s) however many times /they/we/you tried

7.25-  or did /they/we/you?

7.5-  he's just not that into you! is the brutal message

8-  i think she needs to keep trying though. he obviously doesn't know what's good for him, right?

9-  "Water is something you cannot hold.  Like men.  I have tried.  Father, brother, lover, true friends, hungry ghosts and God, one by one all took themselves out of my hands."

-from Diving: Introduction to the Anthropology of Water by Anna Carson.

10-  like country. or homeland. or national. identity.

11-  recently sickened the most by the Dabke skit/flash mob at the Duty Free of Lebanon's Airport

11.5-  yes,

12-   far too much time has been wasted on. the fixing stuff.  the tv won't shut up.  it is physically incapable.  too many men in suits.  where are the women

13-  getting botox-ed

13.5- or dancing in flash mobs

14-  no wonder the nightlife is supremely active.  how else can /they/we/you cope?

15-  leave the suicide to the foreign domestic helpers

16-  .

Lebanon Would be Better: with Less Salt and Pepper (wink wink)

A couple of months back, a couple of boys (almost 20 yrs old, well they ARE young!) Karim Badra and Sherif Maktabi, decided upon a project where they tried to "make Lebanon better in the best way they can."

I came across this SUPER FANTASTIC idea of theirs in a couple of blogs I've been reading here's one and here's another,  and then I read about it in the Daily Star.

The dudes, bless their young hearts, decided they would make a sort of "huge suggestion box for Lebanon" which wasn't really a box at all but a spray painted line saying "Lebanon would be better" on a wall in Ras Beirut, under which they wrote “Lebanon would be better if I” in black spray paint 25 times and added below each heading an equal number of black lines, leaving a cup full of chalk near the wall.

Of course, any one passing by would be curious to write what he or she thinks is the way to improve Lebanon in his or her opinion.  How else can we arrive late everywhere?  But at least this time it's for a good cause, right?


Lebanon is known for its many varied and contradictory opinions.  We all know that, and somehow we seem to find that a lovable trait.  If only it didn't lead to wars, displacement, corruption, elitist attitudes, ethnocentric mentalities, dogmatic souls, and things of the sort.

Anyway.  Some people decided to take the initiative and remove the "I" from the "if I" and suggest a way Lebanon could be better.  Some took it seriously, and some didn't, and some came a couple of days later and scribbled all over the suggestions like the immature pissing dogs that they are.  Excuse my Arabic.

So to make a long and sad story, short and hopefully resuscitated, I would suggest that we start our own little wall over here.

Shoo?

Yalla?

O kay.

Tfaddalo.

I will etfaddal awwal shee, and suggest my 2 cents.  or dirhams, or liras, or whatever.
In my humble thirty-two-year-old opinion, I believe Lebanon would be better if I politicians AND the PEOPLE (i.e. the public) actually understood the meaning of public service.

Shoo ya3ne? eh shoo ya3ne??

ya3ne, service OF the people.  Not the other way around like we've had it happening for generations. And all for personal benefits and re-"elections" of the same darn faces.  Politicians thinking the world owes them something!  "za3eem" oo kaza.  It's nauseating.

(Perhaps Camel milk will help?)

Abu el Khel (Gibran Khalil Gibran) said it about a zillion years ago, I'm not trying to invent the wheel, he said in the New Frontier  Are you a politician asking what your country can do for you or a zealous one asking what you can do for your country? If you are the first, then you are a parasite; if the second, then you are an oasis in a desert, and JFK took the credit for it of course, but being the Gibran-mentioned parasite seems appealing to most if not all of the Lebanese suits out there.

Sigh...

So what does yourself think?  And please refrain from mentioning unicorns, fairies, getting laid, more asians, burning Lebanon down and starting over.. These have all been said, so let's try to be a little original, and mature. Not in that sense buddy.  Mature, as in the opposite of immature. 

And this post is not written in chalk, so no one can erase or scribble over it. Ha!

(come to think of it, having unicorns wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.  Phallic symbolism aside, they're said to signify grace and healing.)

We could certainly do with a pinch of that.

Don't be a drag, or Lebanese

I'm not getting what the big deal is really.  What's all this hoohah about Lady Gaga's new single "Judas"??


(check out the Judas clip here)

Lebanon, all holier than thou, decides to ban it on the radio or sell it in stores.   Because apparently the brilliant Sabah-lookalike is offending Jesus. She's banned "for being offensive to Christianity."

Ummm... how exactly is what I would like to know.  So she's in love with Judas.  The guy she's in love with is called Judas, so what?  It could've been Ali, John or Maximilian.  Ok, so his name isn't exactly Judas and she IS referring to the biblical J, but have the Lebanese "authorities" read the whole song lyrics?  If they have they would realize what the chick was hollering about.  She's simply admitting that she's attracted to liars and traitors, or anything sinful, because it happens to be very attractively sexy for some unfair reason, but ultimately Jesus is her virtue.  She literally says that, "Jesus is my virtue," like she's apologizing to JC for her sinful relationship with the other J.

What's wrong with that?  Also have they not seen the track "Alejandro?"  The video I mean.  All crosses and leather and S & M?  Is that cool with the "authorities?"  I, for one, really don't mind, but I find it hysterical that they've waited for a song like "Judas" to go nuts over.  

FUUUUUUURTHERMORE, has anyone paid attention to her "Born This Way" track?  It's all about rejoicing in yourself, and accepting your body and the way you are, and that  phrase "I'm beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes."  Yah, and she reiterates the capital H-I-M.  Guess who that is?!

Nothing?  No bells ringing in the churches of righteousness? If anything, the dudes who DON'T believe in God and the afterlife should be up in arms about Gaga's consistent biblical references.  They should be like, enough already sister, we get it, you're truly and quintessentially a nun, but you choose to dress up as a prostitute (or as a meat wearing weirdo).  We GET IT.  And we still love you.

PLUS, she even refers to Lebanon in the track! Finally! A celebrity who knows there are countries in the world that exceed the US, France or Italy (the cliche of New York, Paris, Milan). She says "Whether you're broke or evergreen/ you're black, white, beige, chola descent/ You're Lebanese, you're orient"  etcetera etcetera etcetera.   We must send her big sweaty hugs from across the shores!

Lebanon, my dearest home, is a feisty old place and she takes her time to come around.  I don't think the track is really the issue, I think Lebanon, forgive me please, is just a bit uncomfortable with the idea that there is in fact a blonde

who is not in fact dumb.